Every now and then, like most other A-list celebrities, I get recognized in public by strangers. The latest occurrence was in the echo lab in our hospital. A tech, whom I had never seen or met before, asked me what my next video was going to be about. Delighted, I introduced myself formally, puffed out my chest, slicked back my three remaining hairs, and proudly proclaimed that I would be ripping “America’s Doctor” a new one. “That’s right,” I effused. “I’m doing a Doctor Oz dis rap. He’s about to get SERVED! Boo-ya! What WHAT? Whoop, there it is! Oh no he didn’t!”
It immediately became so quiet in the room, I swore I could hear the ultrasonic echo waves daintily reflecting off the nearby patient’s calcific mitral annulus.
The female technician’s shriek pierced the silence. “What?! Why would you insult a national treasure like Dr. Oz? He’s taller, smarter, better looking, and infinitely more successful than you! Plus he doesn’t come in here EACH DAY, bragging about the ‘off-the-chain’ videos he’s been desperately foisting out on YouTube, only to come back the next day and introduce himself again like he’s never met me. You are a sad little man!”
I casually grabbed a couple of day-old bagels and ambled towards the door, tripping over the echo machine power cord along the way.
Why dis Dr. Oz, indeed?
- He’s taller, smarter, better looking, and infinitely more successful than me. He must therefore be stopped.
- He may have started out with good intentions, but his current incarnation foists hype, pseudoscience, and unproven “alternative” treatments upon millions of unsuspecting Americans who believe that his is the final word. After all, he has been duly annointed by She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
- Every practicing doctor dreads hearing these words from their patients: “But Dr. Oz says…” See here my informal Facebook poll of Dr. Oz tomfoolery. Better yet, my favorite medical journal, The National Enquirer, agrees!
- Dissing Doctor Oz will inevitably lead to an East Coast-West Coast rap beef of epic proportions, resulting in untold publicity for both parties. Win-Win! Although I am likely to die in a drive-by syringe attack.
So it’s time to bust a cap in the Oprah-Industrial-Complex. The backing music track comes from the BRILLIANT Professor Elemental song Fighting Trousers, with music by Tom Caruana. I kinda “borrowed” this track without permission but I’m hoping that the imitation will be taken as the intended flattery. I would not want the good Professor to don his Lawsuit Trousers. And now…Sucker MDs!
Yo, I can’t watch these punk TV docs!
Straight sucker MDs. We callin’ you out, and we startin’ with…Dr. Oz!
Check out THIS referral from a PCP—ZDoggMD—you ain’t heard o’ me?
I guess you’re too big—chosen by Oprah—to showcase every quack this side of Deepak Chopra!
While you’re doin’ shows on okra—how it’s the cure for cancer
I’m spittin’ medical rhymes with evidence-based answers!
You should try it sometime, you know, science that is
‘Stead of pandering for ratings—medicine ain’t show biz!
But if it is, then me and my crew are gonna steal all your fans
Cause man, you push more woo than the Wu Tang Clan
The “alternative medicine” that you’re sellin’ up on your show
Works great—I mean it’s almost as effective as placebo!
I really can’t stand your show
Scrub top, farmer’s tan, hell no!
Everytime I flip on the TV
All I see is these Sucker MDs!
Now take me—the Z to the Dogg MD
I see patients everyday—that’s called legitimacy!
You may have legions of housewife fans via Oprah
But I got male pattern baldness, and some rhymes that’ll smoke ya!
The ZDogg crew be preachin’ science and reason
Fightin’ medical treason, while you leave asthmatics wheezin’
Louder than Dr. Phil—oh you gotta be kiddin’, no WAY!
That douche is less of a doctor than Doctor Dre!
He look’s like Darth Vader—after Luke peeled his mask off
Keep spoutin’ that BS and I’ll shave your freakin’ stache off!
You and Dr. Oz, like the Wizard of the same name
Are facades, so lame, we’ll smack you out tha’ game!
I really can’t stand your shows
Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, hell no!
Hypin’ pseudoscience, can’t you see
Such are the minions of Oprah Winfrey!
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