The signs were becoming ever more ominous—and harder to ignore. The final straw began with a sudden, inappropriately dramatic glare from Dr. Harry while we lunched on 7-layer burritos and chalupas: “ZDogg! At last! We eat at Taco Bell! This large…gordita…entices with its smell!”
I choked on my Fanta, forcing me to put down my daintily powdered churro while irredeemably staining my Rush 2112 concert T-shirt. “Why are you singing at the top of your lungs in the middle of Taco Bell?” I asked, my sense of dread growing as I nervously nibbled the edge of my sour cream-encrusted tostada slathered in Fire sauce.
“I…I don’t know! I…I’m not sure what’s come over me! IN MERCY’S NAME…THREE TACOS ARE ALL I NEED! Arggh! There I go again!”
A Misérable Condition
Look, I’m no psychiatrist, but I can recognize a DSM-V diagnosis of Acute on Chronic Misérables Syndrome any day of the week. Way back in medical school, we all recognized that poor Harry possessed many of the risk factors for the development of this potentially crippling affliction:
- He was prone to spouting French translations of outdated American street slang: “Doctor Harry est dans la maison, oui! OUI???”
- He worked as an understudy—for one of the tigers—in the Sigfried and Roy show.
- His vanity license plates read “LAME IS”
Dr. Diego returned from the counter with his second order of four bean burritos with extra onions. “Radiologists like you can never change!” involuntarily crooned Dr. Harry.
Diego and I exchanged concerned glances in between bites of our Crunchwrap Supremes. It was time for an intervention. We needed to get this musical theater out of Dr. Harry’s system before it was too late.
Before his transformation into a Taiwanese Neil Patrick Harris became irreversible.
To purge Harry’s demons we first had to draw them out and face them head-on, in epic gladiatorial battle. Luckily, after our feast we were full of enough hot gas to truly belt out a classic—an homage to one of the most ancient and eternal conflicts in all of medicine.
Dang y’all, am I the only one craving L’Meximelt right about now?
Lyrics to The Confrontation: A Les Misérables Parody
This patient’s obviously going nowhere. He’s got no pants and he needs a SNF!
Docs like you can never change. A doc such as you…
Docs like you can never change, hospitalists can never change!
ED life you’ll never understand!
You can write your long-ass note, I just cric’d this old guy’s throat!
You can fixate on your labs, I’ll work on my rock hard abs!
Dr. House of Cards, Ep. 3: Oz vs. Underwood
Dr. Oz goes to Washington…and gets a stiff serving of Underwood.
Dr. House of Cards, Episode 2
Dr. Underwood locks horns with an anti-vaccine mom. Luckily, his horns are bigger.
Fireside Chat With Morgan Spurlock
Chatting by a virtual fireside with a virtual hero. Virtually awesome!
TexMed 2014: The Promo
A medical conference promo that (almost) doesn’t suck! Remember the AlaHMO? Neither do we.
A Turntable ZPupp Christmas Special
In case you missed it. Spoiler Alert: contains information re: the existence or lack thereof of Santa Claus!
Infect Me (Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball Parody)
It’s about to get real for Hannah Montana, son. A zombie thriller!
What Does The Doc Say? (An Obamacare Ylvis Parody)
In the Obamacare debate, there’s one voice that no one knows…
CLEAR! (An Usher CPR Parody)
Hands-Only CPR when your homie arrests! An Usher “Yeah” parody and lifesaving PSA.